gLee: Season 3, Episode 5 - "The First Time"

Even looking at this still, it's clear which character we are actually concerned with.

Recap
One of the few things gLee does really well is in the way its characters will occasionally make obscure musical theatre references in casual conversation, and either you get it or you don't. Tonight's episode was a more broad-scale version of that, and as I have never seen West Side Story or listened to the music of West Side Story, I assume I missed out on many of the nuances. It's a real bummer too, because how often does gLee even have nuances?
Much like last month's "Asian F," there was quite a bit of buzz surrounding this episode prior to its debut, most likely due to the fact that almost everyone knew what it was going to be about as soon as the title was released (the gLee producers are also pretty bad at keeping secrets, or feeling that secrets should be kept in the first place). The Parents Television Council tried to make controversy happen by calling the episode "reprehensible" for "celebrating teen sex," but the fuss failed to catch on because there really isn't anything offensive or irresponsible about this episode (save for Blaine and other such plot holes, but look at what show you're watching), and because the PTC is constantly crying wolf on gLee. It has no impact anymore. Instead, the highly-anticipated episode was the object of much early acclaim, with some critics calling it a "return to form." I don’t know that I would call this week a return to form, because I don’t think this episode could have happened back in the “Road to Sectionals” days. Instead it was a bit like when Community does something it hasn't tried before, only much less thrilling. If I may, Rachel acted like an anti-meta Abed, thoroughly convinced that her life was destined to parallel West Side Story. By this, she was able to underline the episode’s theme without having to spell it out on the white board. Speaking of the white board, there weren't any scenes in the choir room this week.

The episode begins on a somewhat creepy, largely inappropriate note when Artie calls Rachel and Blaine out on their "strange aversion to fun" because neither of them has ever had sex. He puts it in their heads that they will never be able to convince the audience of any believable passion between Maria and Tony as long as they remain virgins, so just do it already. The fact that neither one of them appears to realize that absolutely none of this falls under the umbrella of his direction is far more unsettling than any of the sexy sex that happens as a result, but hey. We already have our entire plot set in motion and the only person they were forced to sacrifice along the way was Artie. Thank goodness these characters are so flexible.

Rachel, determined as hell to win a Tony Award for her lead performance in a high school production, takes Artie's perversion to heart and decides that she must have sex with Finn ASAP. He's ready, but wants to wait because he wants their first time to be special and has been saving up for a nice hotel room. Rachel panics and blurts out that she has to "get this done" by opening night, causing him to stand up and leave her to wallow in self pity alone by the fireplace. This leads me to believe that she is either too stupid to deceive properly, or that she is just too stupid. Finn, on the other hand, has matured in a very impressive way since his days of pleading with Grilled Cheesus to let him touch Rachel's boobs. I would say that so far, he is Season 3's MVP. He also hates Blaine for some unknown reason and I totally get that. Here's why:

With opening night quickly approaching, Blaine takes a day trip to Dalton Academy to shower his former backup vocalists in a block of tickets he reserved for them. It is there he meets the Warblers' newest member, Sebastian, whom they try to convince us is a dreamboat when actually he's just downright creepy. Regardless of what Artie says, Sebastian finds Blaine to be "sex on a stick" (barf in my mouth), and the attraction seems mutual. Kurt basically catches the two of them out on a date, and Sebastian invites them to accompany him at the local gay bar, Scandals. Somehow Kurt is designated chauffeur, so Blaine spends the entire evening drinking and dancing with Sebastian, and who better to keep Kurt company at a gay bar than his good ol' frenemy, Dave Karofsky?! We finally learn where in the world Karofsky has been, which is at a different school where no speculation about his sexuality exists. He is still in the closet, but has grown comfortable enough in his burly bear cub skin to feel accepted at Scandals. Cheers to baby steps!

Exactly what makes Blaine think it’s acceptable to dance with another guy while Kurt sits all by himself, watching? And exactly what makes Kurt and everybody else think it’s acceptable to let him get away with doing so just because he wears sweet bowties? Kudos to Karofsky for making Kurt realize that his boyfriend was being a total jackass. What would Kurt ever do without Karofsky?

...He would be nearly molested by said jackass boyfriend, that's what.
Blaine had one whole beer, so he is cuh-razy wasted by the time Kurt attempts to drive him home, and he tries to make their First Time happen right then and there in the back seat of Kurt's car. Kurt is forced to say "no" or "stop" like, ten times before Blaine actually obeys. This scene proves a big problem with the character Blaine, which is that the writers have molded him into such a squeaky-clean, sweater vest-wearing ball of perfection that any time he does something even slightly unlikeable, it comes across as treacherous. Of course I don't think that Blaine would ever actually rape anyone ever, but if the tables were turned and Finn tried to force Rachel to have sex with him like that, it would be treated as a much bigger deal. I'm glad that Kurt listed Blaine's super inconsiderate behavior with Sebastian as one of the many reasons they most certainly were not about to have sex. So then Blaine gets pissy and decides to walk himself home. Finn and I say good riddance.

Mike Chang's dad approaches him at his locker (this school really needs tighter security), and threatens to disown him if he doesn't drop out of the musical. He refuses, and disowns his dad right back. If this paragraph feels random and out of place, it's because that D-plot came out of absolute nowhere and lasted for one single scene. I thought Mike Chang and his mom were going to talk to his dad together? Why would they be having this conversation in the hallway at school?

Apparently all Artie wants to do this week is rid McKinley of its remaining virgins, so he creepily inserts himself into the private life of Coach Bieste as well. He confronts her in the auditorium and asks her flat out whether or not she has ever had sex. She correctly tells him that his questions are "totally inappropriate," before confessing to a crush on the awkwardly-named college football recruiter Cooter Mankins, who may very well have a crush on her in return. So Artie, being the go-getter he is this week, tracks Cooter down and basically orders him to ask her out. Artie, I realize the writers completely robbed you of a potential storyline after you were made director of the musical, but this is getting a little absurd.
Coach Bieste is probably my favorite character, but her storyline felt a little out of place in this episode. Not because it didn’t connect thematically, but because it was so new and happening all at once. Yes, her feelings that she is incapable of being loved were previously explained to us in one of last season’s better episodes “Never Been Kissed,” but just last week we didn’t even know this Cooter man existed. Still the episode treated the plot development as if the audience already wanted the two of them to end up together. Of course I want Coach Bieste to find love, but what if this guy is Jesse St. James’s uncle or something?

By the end of the episode, both couples make up and make love, and Coach Bieste agrees to go on a date with the awkwardly-named college football recruiter Cooter Mankins after he passes over Finn in favor of Tinker from Friday Night Lights because, well, Finn was never on Friday Night Lights.

Coming up next week... Various Adele songs, and Puck is in love with Shelby. She seems mildly inconvenienced by this.

Musical Performances
"Tonight"
Performed by Rachel & Blaine
Remember back many moons to Season One, when Rachel quit New Directions because Mr. Schuester dared to let Tina sing this song? That's the only time I've ever heard it before; I didn't even know it was a duet. Their vocals sounded great (these are the kinds of songs they should stick Lea Michele with, and save the Britney Spears/Katy Perry stuff for never), but unlike Coach Bieste I was nowhere near tears. I've never been much of a love ballad kinda girl, sorry.

"Uptown Girl"
Performed by the Warblers
Being the sole non-West Side Story song in the episode only served to highlight how unnecessary and disruptive it was to the flow of the story. Also, why was Blaine wearing shoes with no socks?

"A Boy Like That"
Performed by Santana & Rachel
This is when things started to get inspired. The performance was intercut with Blaine and Sebastian's date (it was totally a date), and from what I could gather, the lyrics pointed out the fact that Sebastian was not to be trusted and that Blaine was letting his guard down too easily. Technically speaking, this also helped save episode space, as we were moving right along with the storylines while getting to watch the West Side Story rehearsals, simultaneously. If the show could figure a way to do this more often, we might actually see New Directions practicing for competition without stopping each episode dead in its tracks five different times to do so.

"America"
Performed by the cast of West Side Story
The Simon & Garfunkel song of the same title is more my style, but I can appreciate that this was well-performed, even if it did totally look like Puck was wearing a mohawk toupée. Speaking of, since when is Puck in the drama club? Why do none of the other students making up that enormous ensemble have any interest in joining the glee club? What planet does this show take place on? How did Kermit the Leprechaun get a role in the school musical? He only got here last week!

"One Hand, One Heart"
Performed by Blaine & Rachel
Perfectly intertwined, both visually and narratively, with refreshingly subtle shots of the foreplay between our resident lovebirds. It was the polar opposite of the "Like A Virgin" sequence from Season One. It felt a bit like a finalé for this episode. Who knew glee could be so sophisticated?

Leftover Thoughts

• A storyline about two teenage boys in a same-sex relationship deciding to lose their respective virginities to one another, in a network show that airs at 8o'clock on Tuesday night? Go, glee!
• Further scientific proof that Blaine is not human: He reaches personality-altering levels of drunkenness off of a single beer. Nobody does that. I propose that the liquid infiltrated his circuit board, causing him to malfunction.
• Cory Montieth sure is cute, huh?
• Jacob Ben Isreal's poll has Rachel tied in first place for the presidential race? Is he punking her?
• Kurt apologizes to Blaine for some crap reason. More barf in my mouth.
• I would have expected the West Side Storyline to last longer than the class presidential race. The cast list was only posted two episodes ago, and it's already showtime? How long does it take to elect a class president?
• Make note of the fact that Blaine all but admits to Sebastian that he never really wanted to transfer schools. Can't say I didn't warn him. I wonder if this will turn into a thing.
• Everybody talking to Rachel about "sexual awakening" = Guilty Ones shout-out??
• Blaine does not take my breath away, but Chris Colfer does.
• Mike Chang’s dad pretty much doesn’t deserve to live, but I’m still not entirely convinced I care. I would, however, care to see Papa Chang duke it out with Burt Hummel. A Father’s Day-themed episode, perhaps? That should also be the episode in which they introduce Harvey Fierstein & Taye Diggs as Rachel’s Two Gay Dads. I long ago decided that they are the two best candidates. Tell me you don’t love it.

Quotes

Blaine - "Besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order."

Kurt - "Because of the layers?"

Blaine - "Because of the layers."

Puck - "As for the condoms - no idea, never used them. It’s worked out for me about 99% of the time."

Santana - "Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed."
Tina - "Santana, that’s not cool."
Santana - "What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth."

Highlight of the Night
Blaine - "You were right; our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk and I'm sorry."
Kurt - "It sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel."

Gleek of the Week
Karofsky, obv! That better not have been the last time we ever see him. They can’t tease me like this, I’ve been saddened by his absence all season. Alongside Coach Bieste, he was one of the best things to come out of Season Two, except that he never actually DID come out of Season Two until tonight, and it was much too brief an appearance. Be wise, writers - he is a far more compelling character than Susie Sunshine (or whatever Gwyneth Paltrow was called). I don't even necessarily care whether he and Kurt date; they can just be buddies who hang out all the time and talk about how gross it is that Blaine doesn't wear socks.