gLee: Season 3, Episode 8 - "Hold On To Sixteen"

Recap
It's no secret that the glee writers are much more skilled at in-the-moment dialogue than they have ever been at writing multi-episode story arcs. To be able to watch glee without developing the urge to blow your brains out, you must suspend even the most basic knowledge of what makes up a story, or even a character. It can be worth it, though... this show is arguably the greatest guilty pleasure of all time if you're into that sort of thing, which I clearly am - glee and I are total frenemies.

In tonight's episode, just about every storyline we've been following so far this season reached a resolution of some sort. Were those resolutions, like, actual resolutions? Not for the most part (with the possible exception of Mike Chang), but that’s because many of the storylines were already existing in ridiculous directions. New glee club name: Ridiculous Directions. Aside from the ticking time bomb that is graduation, the only plotline that didn't seemingly come to an end this week was that of Santana. This is largly unsuprising since it is also no secret that the glee writers afford much more care and effort into the gay-centric storylines, which is both extremely admirable and mind-bogglingly disrespectful to the 4,683 (and counting) other characters on this show.

Quinn’s resolution made it seem as though the writers suddenly realized exactly how far off The Hot/Crazy Scale they'd sent her, so they decided to just stop and reel her back in as quickly as possible. They didn’t want it to appear that this was what they were doing, however, so she was still pretty crazy for the first half of the episode (the look in her eyes at the end of the opening scene between her and Rachel was legitimately terrifying). This all made it seem even more rushed than it would have anyway, because now instead of doing a 180° within a full hour, she did it in about three scenes. And then, AND THEN she's apparently going to Yale now. Like, wtf since when? The Tina/Mike Chang plot taught us that we are recently past the admissions due date for most schools, so when exactly is she planning to apply? Unless that's what she'd been up to when she wasn't, like, framing Shelby for murder or hanging out with The Skanks. We've never been shown anything regarding Quinn's studies, so there is no reason to assume that she isn't a good student, but I think the common assumption is that Yale is a fairly selective school. I definately don't hate Quinn as much as some people do nowadays (Shelby is pure evil), but this show doesn't even follow the rules of its own logic. The biggest overall arc of the season so far has been about how hard Rachel and Kurt realize they need to work in order to be accepted to their imaginary dream school, and yet the same universe has Quinn possibly getting into an actual Ivy League university like it ain't no thang?

That all said, if they decide to just go on pretending that the whole Shelby debacle never took place, but they find another way to continue utilizing Quinn without demonizing her, I'll take it. My massive girl crush on Dianna Agron is too massive for me to ever hate Quinn, no matter how much the writers inexplicably try to lead us there. I just wish they shared my crush.

Speaking of things that are legitimately terrifying, remember when Blaine malfunctioned during "The First Time"? Well, he was at it again this week - he was aaall over the place. First, he was crying over Finn not wanting to be best brother-in-laws (they would get to that in a few scenes, which is bullsh--). Then he was trying to kill Sam Evans. Then he was pounding it with Finn, and somehow as a result of that we won Sectionals.

We won Sectionals, by the way.

I'm sure I was intended to feel all sappy-happy over Finn and Blaine's newfound bromance, but no. It was healthy to have at least one character on this show not be completely infatuated with Blaine, who was pretty successfully shoved down our throats last year. If nothing else, they were at least covering all of their bases in terms of character interpretation. Besides, that mysterious background arc of Finn's bubbling resentment towards Blaine was one of my favorite things about this season so far. It at least gave people like me somebody to identify with, because Blaine is literally unreal. I mean, all of the sudden he HATES Sam? Absolutely furious. Have they ever even met before? I don’t think so… This is probably the craziest we’ve seen him since the time he chased that guy around Limited Too or whatever. Beware Kurt, your boyfriend might actually be insane. I'd buy it - that’s what they would have done on Nip/Tuck. Or Degrassi.

Yet somehow, despite the fact that most of what happened felt rushed/convenient/unbelievable, and even though I wasn't blown away by any of the musical performances, I still found this to be one of the more impressive episodes of Season 3 thus far. The in-the-moment dialogue was superb, and for the first time in centuries nearly every character was utilized (with the definate exception of Kermit the Leprachaun, who I'm beginning to feel genuinely sorry for - The Glee Project never should have happened).

Coming up next week... The classic television side adventure known as The Christmas Episode. Don't expect much in terms of plot development, even by glee standards. Especially by glee standards.

Gleek of the Week
Definately Tina, but... also maybe Rachel??
A first for both - another thing to like about this episode.

gLee: Season 3, Episode 5 - "The First Time"

Even looking at this still, it's clear which character we are actually concerned with.

Recap
One of the few things gLee does really well is in the way its characters will occasionally make obscure musical theatre references in casual conversation, and either you get it or you don't. Tonight's episode was a more broad-scale version of that, and as I have never seen West Side Story or listened to the music of West Side Story, I assume I missed out on many of the nuances. It's a real bummer too, because how often does gLee even have nuances?
Much like last month's "Asian F," there was quite a bit of buzz surrounding this episode prior to its debut, most likely due to the fact that almost everyone knew what it was going to be about as soon as the title was released (the gLee producers are also pretty bad at keeping secrets, or feeling that secrets should be kept in the first place). The Parents Television Council tried to make controversy happen by calling the episode "reprehensible" for "celebrating teen sex," but the fuss failed to catch on because there really isn't anything offensive or irresponsible about this episode (save for Blaine and other such plot holes, but look at what show you're watching), and because the PTC is constantly crying wolf on gLee. It has no impact anymore. Instead, the highly-anticipated episode was the object of much early acclaim, with some critics calling it a "return to form." I don’t know that I would call this week a return to form, because I don’t think this episode could have happened back in the “Road to Sectionals” days. Instead it was a bit like when Community does something it hasn't tried before, only much less thrilling. If I may, Rachel acted like an anti-meta Abed, thoroughly convinced that her life was destined to parallel West Side Story. By this, she was able to underline the episode’s theme without having to spell it out on the white board. Speaking of the white board, there weren't any scenes in the choir room this week.

The episode begins on a somewhat creepy, largely inappropriate note when Artie calls Rachel and Blaine out on their "strange aversion to fun" because neither of them has ever had sex. He puts it in their heads that they will never be able to convince the audience of any believable passion between Maria and Tony as long as they remain virgins, so just do it already. The fact that neither one of them appears to realize that absolutely none of this falls under the umbrella of his direction is far more unsettling than any of the sexy sex that happens as a result, but hey. We already have our entire plot set in motion and the only person they were forced to sacrifice along the way was Artie. Thank goodness these characters are so flexible.

Rachel, determined as hell to win a Tony Award for her lead performance in a high school production, takes Artie's perversion to heart and decides that she must have sex with Finn ASAP. He's ready, but wants to wait because he wants their first time to be special and has been saving up for a nice hotel room. Rachel panics and blurts out that she has to "get this done" by opening night, causing him to stand up and leave her to wallow in self pity alone by the fireplace. This leads me to believe that she is either too stupid to deceive properly, or that she is just too stupid. Finn, on the other hand, has matured in a very impressive way since his days of pleading with Grilled Cheesus to let him touch Rachel's boobs. I would say that so far, he is Season 3's MVP. He also hates Blaine for some unknown reason and I totally get that. Here's why:

With opening night quickly approaching, Blaine takes a day trip to Dalton Academy to shower his former backup vocalists in a block of tickets he reserved for them. It is there he meets the Warblers' newest member, Sebastian, whom they try to convince us is a dreamboat when actually he's just downright creepy. Regardless of what Artie says, Sebastian finds Blaine to be "sex on a stick" (barf in my mouth), and the attraction seems mutual. Kurt basically catches the two of them out on a date, and Sebastian invites them to accompany him at the local gay bar, Scandals. Somehow Kurt is designated chauffeur, so Blaine spends the entire evening drinking and dancing with Sebastian, and who better to keep Kurt company at a gay bar than his good ol' frenemy, Dave Karofsky?! We finally learn where in the world Karofsky has been, which is at a different school where no speculation about his sexuality exists. He is still in the closet, but has grown comfortable enough in his burly bear cub skin to feel accepted at Scandals. Cheers to baby steps!

Exactly what makes Blaine think it’s acceptable to dance with another guy while Kurt sits all by himself, watching? And exactly what makes Kurt and everybody else think it’s acceptable to let him get away with doing so just because he wears sweet bowties? Kudos to Karofsky for making Kurt realize that his boyfriend was being a total jackass. What would Kurt ever do without Karofsky?

...He would be nearly molested by said jackass boyfriend, that's what.
Blaine had one whole beer, so he is cuh-razy wasted by the time Kurt attempts to drive him home, and he tries to make their First Time happen right then and there in the back seat of Kurt's car. Kurt is forced to say "no" or "stop" like, ten times before Blaine actually obeys. This scene proves a big problem with the character Blaine, which is that the writers have molded him into such a squeaky-clean, sweater vest-wearing ball of perfection that any time he does something even slightly unlikeable, it comes across as treacherous. Of course I don't think that Blaine would ever actually rape anyone ever, but if the tables were turned and Finn tried to force Rachel to have sex with him like that, it would be treated as a much bigger deal. I'm glad that Kurt listed Blaine's super inconsiderate behavior with Sebastian as one of the many reasons they most certainly were not about to have sex. So then Blaine gets pissy and decides to walk himself home. Finn and I say good riddance.

Mike Chang's dad approaches him at his locker (this school really needs tighter security), and threatens to disown him if he doesn't drop out of the musical. He refuses, and disowns his dad right back. If this paragraph feels random and out of place, it's because that D-plot came out of absolute nowhere and lasted for one single scene. I thought Mike Chang and his mom were going to talk to his dad together? Why would they be having this conversation in the hallway at school?

Apparently all Artie wants to do this week is rid McKinley of its remaining virgins, so he creepily inserts himself into the private life of Coach Bieste as well. He confronts her in the auditorium and asks her flat out whether or not she has ever had sex. She correctly tells him that his questions are "totally inappropriate," before confessing to a crush on the awkwardly-named college football recruiter Cooter Mankins, who may very well have a crush on her in return. So Artie, being the go-getter he is this week, tracks Cooter down and basically orders him to ask her out. Artie, I realize the writers completely robbed you of a potential storyline after you were made director of the musical, but this is getting a little absurd.
Coach Bieste is probably my favorite character, but her storyline felt a little out of place in this episode. Not because it didn’t connect thematically, but because it was so new and happening all at once. Yes, her feelings that she is incapable of being loved were previously explained to us in one of last season’s better episodes “Never Been Kissed,” but just last week we didn’t even know this Cooter man existed. Still the episode treated the plot development as if the audience already wanted the two of them to end up together. Of course I want Coach Bieste to find love, but what if this guy is Jesse St. James’s uncle or something?

By the end of the episode, both couples make up and make love, and Coach Bieste agrees to go on a date with the awkwardly-named college football recruiter Cooter Mankins after he passes over Finn in favor of Tinker from Friday Night Lights because, well, Finn was never on Friday Night Lights.

Coming up next week... Various Adele songs, and Puck is in love with Shelby. She seems mildly inconvenienced by this.

Musical Performances
"Tonight"
Performed by Rachel & Blaine
Remember back many moons to Season One, when Rachel quit New Directions because Mr. Schuester dared to let Tina sing this song? That's the only time I've ever heard it before; I didn't even know it was a duet. Their vocals sounded great (these are the kinds of songs they should stick Lea Michele with, and save the Britney Spears/Katy Perry stuff for never), but unlike Coach Bieste I was nowhere near tears. I've never been much of a love ballad kinda girl, sorry.

"Uptown Girl"
Performed by the Warblers
Being the sole non-West Side Story song in the episode only served to highlight how unnecessary and disruptive it was to the flow of the story. Also, why was Blaine wearing shoes with no socks?

"A Boy Like That"
Performed by Santana & Rachel
This is when things started to get inspired. The performance was intercut with Blaine and Sebastian's date (it was totally a date), and from what I could gather, the lyrics pointed out the fact that Sebastian was not to be trusted and that Blaine was letting his guard down too easily. Technically speaking, this also helped save episode space, as we were moving right along with the storylines while getting to watch the West Side Story rehearsals, simultaneously. If the show could figure a way to do this more often, we might actually see New Directions practicing for competition without stopping each episode dead in its tracks five different times to do so.

"America"
Performed by the cast of West Side Story
The Simon & Garfunkel song of the same title is more my style, but I can appreciate that this was well-performed, even if it did totally look like Puck was wearing a mohawk toupée. Speaking of, since when is Puck in the drama club? Why do none of the other students making up that enormous ensemble have any interest in joining the glee club? What planet does this show take place on? How did Kermit the Leprechaun get a role in the school musical? He only got here last week!

"One Hand, One Heart"
Performed by Blaine & Rachel
Perfectly intertwined, both visually and narratively, with refreshingly subtle shots of the foreplay between our resident lovebirds. It was the polar opposite of the "Like A Virgin" sequence from Season One. It felt a bit like a finalé for this episode. Who knew glee could be so sophisticated?

Leftover Thoughts

• A storyline about two teenage boys in a same-sex relationship deciding to lose their respective virginities to one another, in a network show that airs at 8o'clock on Tuesday night? Go, glee!
• Further scientific proof that Blaine is not human: He reaches personality-altering levels of drunkenness off of a single beer. Nobody does that. I propose that the liquid infiltrated his circuit board, causing him to malfunction.
• Cory Montieth sure is cute, huh?
• Jacob Ben Isreal's poll has Rachel tied in first place for the presidential race? Is he punking her?
• Kurt apologizes to Blaine for some crap reason. More barf in my mouth.
• I would have expected the West Side Storyline to last longer than the class presidential race. The cast list was only posted two episodes ago, and it's already showtime? How long does it take to elect a class president?
• Make note of the fact that Blaine all but admits to Sebastian that he never really wanted to transfer schools. Can't say I didn't warn him. I wonder if this will turn into a thing.
• Everybody talking to Rachel about "sexual awakening" = Guilty Ones shout-out??
• Blaine does not take my breath away, but Chris Colfer does.
• Mike Chang’s dad pretty much doesn’t deserve to live, but I’m still not entirely convinced I care. I would, however, care to see Papa Chang duke it out with Burt Hummel. A Father’s Day-themed episode, perhaps? That should also be the episode in which they introduce Harvey Fierstein & Taye Diggs as Rachel’s Two Gay Dads. I long ago decided that they are the two best candidates. Tell me you don’t love it.

Quotes

Blaine - "Besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order."

Kurt - "Because of the layers?"

Blaine - "Because of the layers."

Puck - "As for the condoms - no idea, never used them. It’s worked out for me about 99% of the time."

Santana - "Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed."
Tina - "Santana, that’s not cool."
Santana - "What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth."

Highlight of the Night
Blaine - "You were right; our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk and I'm sorry."
Kurt - "It sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel."

Gleek of the Week
Karofsky, obv! That better not have been the last time we ever see him. They can’t tease me like this, I’ve been saddened by his absence all season. Alongside Coach Bieste, he was one of the best things to come out of Season Two, except that he never actually DID come out of Season Two until tonight, and it was much too brief an appearance. Be wise, writers - he is a far more compelling character than Susie Sunshine (or whatever Gwyneth Paltrow was called). I don't even necessarily care whether he and Kurt date; they can just be buddies who hang out all the time and talk about how gross it is that Blaine doesn't wear socks.

gLee: Season 3, Episode 3 - "Asian F"

Recap
I must admit I was looking forward to this episode a bit more than usual, a result of spending too much time on the internet reading all about the critical buzz that was preceding it. Every early review I read would gush about how it was just like the good ol' days of glee, and they promised I wouldn't be disappointed. So was I disappointed? Of course, but not because I was foolish enough to have actually been expecting it to be a blast from the past. It certainly could have been much worse, but the only thing about it that stood apart from any other episode for me was the fact that Mike Chang had an entire storyline to himself.

An "Asian F," in case you were wondering, is the Asian equivalent of receiving an A- grade in school. After Mike gets one on a Chemistry test, his dad tells him that he has to quit the glee club, since "dancing is something you do at a wedding. It’s a hobby, not a career." In an act of Asian Defiance, he instead auditions for the role of Riff in West Side Story, which he can do now that Tina has conveniently taught him how to sing. Or at least how to lip-sync.

Look, I'm all for acknowledging the lesser-appreciated characters (of which there are many), but this storyline was not at all the revelation it was made out to be. They just barely developed Mike Chang into any more of a character than he already wasn't. He has been a member of New Directions since the beginning of the first season, and before tonight he had probably been given a total of ten separate sentences of dialogue, none of which told us anything about him. In an attempt to prove to us that he is more than just the "other Asian" who's always dancing, they used Asian stereotypes to tell us more about his love of dance... So, he's exactly the same person he was before, but apparently has an absurdly irrational father who resents him for it? Gotcha. I can't wait to see what happens next week, when he'll probably once again be relegated to an obscure yet swift-footed afterthought.

Along with the Changs, we are also introduced to Emma's parents. After she makes it perfectly clear to him that she doesn't want to see them, Mr. Schuester goes behind her back and invites them over for dinner because he never has had a very firm grasp on what it actually means to be a good person. Her parents are "ginger supremacists," and we are shown that her mysophobia stems from their own racism, despite us previously being told that it began after her brother pushed her into the runoff lagoon at a dairy farm (remember that?). Once Emma starts obsessively shining her silverware in trepidation, her mother starts calling her "Freaky Deaky" and Mr. Schuester does the admirable thing for once by telling them that they are terrible parents. He plans on being the opposite of them when he and Emma have children of their own, which realistically wouldn't be happening any time in the foreseeable future. Emma is clearly moved by his defense, but unfortunately she's moved all the way back to her old ways of compulsively wringing her hands and scrubbing her phone with a toothbrush. Bieste was right - Will is such a catch!!

I thought last week was The Auditions Episode, but we reach their destined peak tonight when the role of Maria pits Rachel and Mercedes against one another. Artie, Emma and Coach Bieste are unable to decide between the two, so they assign the same song for both girls to perform at a callback. The callback in question is inexplicably attended by every single member of New Directions, and Puck is so excited he can barely sit still. Yeah, okay. They both sing the song perfectly of course, but Rachel concedes to Finn that Mercedes was better, before storming off to... Coach Bieste's office... and entering herself in the race for class president, since there would appear to be no other faculty members employed at this school. Seriously, they at least could have used Principal Figgins for that part.

I'm really glad that Rachel is running for class president now because it has been way too long since she got a storyline to herself, and omfg this show. I know that the writers have always compared her to Tracy Flick, but they threw that girl away a long time ago. While I don't necessarily think that she would do a bad job (we already know her to be a passionate hard-worker), there are plenty of other reasons this particular plot twist is stupid and/or makes no sense. First, Rachel is the one who convinced Kurt he should run, hoping it would increase his chances of getting in to NYADA, and now she's running against him? Impeccable support system, attagirl. Second, in the Season One episode "Mattress," we learned that Rachel is/was a member of just about every club at McKinley, from the Renaissance Club to the Muslim Students Club. Assuming that Season One Rachel and Season Three Rachel are the same person (lol, jk), filling up on extra-curriculars should not be of major concern to her; that girl is getting into a good school, or would be if there were any other potential schools in this world besides the fictional NYADA. Third, within the context of the show there is no way Rachel would ever receive a majority of the vote with Kurt Hummel and Brittany S. Pierce as her opponents. Her own boyfriend doesn't even plan on voting for her.

Furt 4ever, ♥

It was all for nothing though, because our ace directors still can't choose between the two girls, so they are double cast in the role. That is the exact opposite of a plot twist. Rachel takes this to mean that Mercedes will perform on Saturday and Sunday mornings while she gets all the evening shows, because it seems Rachel is a humongous idiot who has learned nothing since the start of the series. Mercedes is having none of this, so she turns down the part, quits New Directions entirely, and generously offers her self-professed star power to the rival glee club I completely forgot that Shelby is starting.

*sigh*
When will the writers realize that this show is so much better when the kids are working together towards a common goal and not sabotaging each other all over the place? You can still find drama there, don't worry.

Speaking of sabotage, is Mercedes supposed to be a good guy or a bad guy? It seems every time they do a Mercedes Empowerment Episode she comes out looking like a monster, but she doesn't act like that any other time. Even if she did, we probably would never know about it since the only time ever utilize her anymore is in their annual Mercedes Empowerment Episodes, and for the occasional solo. It felt as though we were meant to side with her and believe she deserved the role more than Rachel, but exactly what would we base that on? The scenes at Glee Club Boot Camp showed us that not only can she not dance (an issue that's never existed until tonight), but that she isn't even willing to practice for more than five minutes without crying exhaustion and maybe being pregnant. I don't know how much dancing skill is required for the role of Maria, as I've never seen West Side Story, but work ethic is work ethic. Rachel's constant assertion that the role inherently belongs to her is beyond annoying, but if there is one thing glee has taught me it's that Rachel Berry will stop at nothing to be the best. Finn even says that she practices her dancing every day on her own, and I can totally imagine her having a set schedule for that stuff. Also, you can't deny the continuity here; We've known since Season One that Maria in West Side Story is Rachel's ultimate dream role. Without a hint of irony she once told Mr. Schuester, "I thought I made it very clear that anything from West Side Story goes to me." I'm not denying anyone's right to audition, but if McKinley High ever put on a production of Dreamgirls and Rachel went in for whichever character Merecedes likes, every single person who watches this show would absolutely detest her for it.
Regardless of how you feel towards her or Mercedes, Rachel is more deserving of the role. She cares more and it means more to her. Besides, she was a much better sport throughout all of this than Mercedes was and Rachel is rarely a good sport, proven by the fact that she still refuses to drop out of the election even after she is officially cast as Maria. WTF?

The cast list contains very few surprises when it is finally posted, because I don't think there are any other students at this school, either:

Maria .......... Rachel*

Tony .......... Blaine*

Anita .......... Santana

Riff .......... Mike Chang

*If this leads to any more Rachel/Blaine bisexuality nonsense, I'm done.

Coming up next week… Nothing, because there won’t be another new episode until November(!), but they're hinting at a possible intimate connection between Puck and Shelby. Makes sense continuity-wise since we already know that Puck has a thing for MILFs, and Shelby is an adopted MILF. But still… yuck, Puck.

Musical Performances
"Spotlight"
Performed by Mercedes
Why do the writers bother to acknowledge their Rachel bias in the scripts if they always continue to feature her more than every other female character on the show combined? Think about it - one of the main reasons this episode was made such a big deal of is because it is told from the respective perspectives of three characters who aren't Rachel. That shouldn't be a high accomplishment for a show that claims to have an ensemble cast.

"Run the World (Girls)"
Performed by Brittany
Brittany also enters the race for class president this week on a feminist platform, and she is given her very own pep rally to debut it at because it's Brittany and we all adore her. It reminded me of the Kurcedes diddy "Four Minutes" from the Madonna episode, only with worse music and less realism. How did she change outfits so quickly? Why would Quinn care to help?

"Cool"
Performed by Mike Chang
I enjoyed it more than I expected to, but there is no way he was able to teach the entire football team how to dance like that so suddenly. There is also no way that the same guys who pelted Finn with paintballs for joining the glee club and drew on his face before picture day would ever agree to help Mike Chang audition for a role in the school musical. Unless, of course, they've all experienced more character development than most of our actual characters. Who auditions with backup dancers, anyway? I demand to know where Karofsky is.

"It's All Over"
Performed by Mercedes & New Directions
Did Mercedes quit the glee club, or did they quit her? When random musical numbers blur the lines between reality and imagination like this, I never know what’s going on. And honestly, must they so frequently dress up Kurt like one of the girls instead of one of the guys? There we go again, reinforcing stereotypes.

"Out Here On My Own"
Performed by Mercedes / Rachel
In an episode filled to the brim with musical performances I didn't care about at all, this was probably my favorite. I wouldn't necessarily say that either one of them sang it better than the other, but Rachel sounded pretty certain of Mercedes' superiority, so that's that.

"Fix You"
Performed by Mr. Schuester
The only song in this episode that I've actually heard before. I liked the way it was intercut with the posting of the West Side Story cast list, and the lyrics fit well into the Emma storyline, but that falsetto just reminded me of the horrific moment last year when he started singing Prince. Oh my god. The kids' matching outfits during the performance were by far the most Season One-esque thing in the entire episode, except not really because MR. SCHUESTER IS NOT A MEMBER OF THE GLEE CLUB.

Leftover Observations

• Mercedes asks why nobody is ever willing to hurt Rachel's feelings, which is total crap because Rachel has been insulted at least once by nearly every single character on this show, as well as by most of the people who watch it.
• Awyeah, Breadsticks delivers!
• Apparently Santana is back in the glee club now. Erm... how and when?
• I found the whole Asian vampire thing just as unfunny as I did last time. Poor Jenna Ushkowitz.
• The episode made references to events of previous seasons! Threw me for a loop.
• Emma refers to Mercedes as "our little girl" while looking at Mr. Schuester... Oh really, since when?

Highlight of the Night
Mr. Schuester - "Why haven’t I met your parents?"
Emma - "Because… they’re dead."
Mr. Schuester - "You spoke to them on the phone last night."
Emma - "I spoke to their ghosts last night. I have ghost parents."

Gleek of the Week

Emma, one of the few glee characters who doesn't frustrate me on a regular basis. I forgot how much I don't dislike her, and Jayma Mays owned this episode.

gLee: Season 3, Episode 2 - "I Am Unicorn"

Recap
This week's episode opens with Brittany eagerly offering to be the campaign advisor of Kurt's bid for student body president. It seems as though she has been admiring him from afar since last year; She fancies him the school's biggest unicorn because he "knows he's special and isn't afraid to show it," much like unicorns do before their horns fall off and they turn into zebras. Kurt seems genuinely flattered and excited, albeit a little confused, until he sees the posters she designed for him and realizes that she literally thinks she is campaigning for a unicorn. He asks her not to hang them, but she does anyway and he fires her. Santana reassures her that she is the real unicorn, and convinces her to herself run for class president.
Hummel v. Pierce, '11 - it's on.

In the choir room, Mr. Schuester's ego is still bruised by their loss in New York last year, which really means that he's still sour over the guy who replaced him in April Rhodes' musical winning a Tony Award (lest you forget), so he is instituting a Mandatory Glee Club Boot Camp. He is kind enough to single out Finn, Puck, "Hummel" and "Jones" as the New Directions' biggest offenders, as if anybody actually cares what he thinks. Since he will be coaching Boot Camp, he hires Emma and Coach Bieste to co-direct the school musical, and Rachel reacts accordingly until he asks Artie on the spot to also come on as a student director. After being reassured by Tina (cool that they're still friends, btw), Artie accepts and even Puckerman looks happy for him. This is good, I miss Artie. I'll be glad to see him involved in a storyline that doesn't feature his paralysis as a focal point. No imaginary dancing or... football playing.

Blaine feigns humility and asks Mr. Schuester if he can also attend Boot Camp, where he and Kurt realize that they both have their eye on the role of Tony in West Side Story, and it suddenly occurs to Kurt that Blaine would be "perfect" as Tony. After his audition, Kurt goes out of his way to hide in the bushes outside the directors' meeting only to have his greatest fear confirmed - they find him a bit too "delicate" for the character. Could that possibly be because he auditioned with a song from Funny Girl? I guess not, because he gets Rachel to help him audition again with a scene from Romeo & Juliet. All three directors openly laugh at him the entire time and eventually Rachel joins in. I don't blame Kurt for running offstage; that was mega-rude and I honestly couldn't figure out what on Earth was so funny.
Blaine auditions as well, but only for supporting characters because he is just the most selfless li'l plastic boyfriend ever. Kurt watches in horror from the rafters as Artie then asks him to read for Tony anyway. Aaagh, if the writers were going to take them down the competition route regardless, they should have kept Blaine at Dalton Academy.

Sue is able to convince goodish-girl-gone-bad Quinn to be the poster child for her anti-Arts Education congressional campaign, because I think Quinn forgets that Sue was the one who talked her into joining New Directions in the first place. She arranges for Quinn to march into Mr. Schuester's office unannounced and accuse him and his stupid club of ruining her life, but he catches everyone everywhere off guard by getting in her face and retorting, “Since day one, you have done nothing but sabotage the same glee club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out… Mercedes even let you live at her house, and I don’t remember ever hearing so much as a thank you.”

BOOYAH. I still can't stand him, but damn if that wasn't the closest I've ever come to actually siding with Mr. Schuester on something. I don't even really carry any grudges against Quinn, but he does raise at least five valid points there. In her defense however, she very well may have expressed gratitude at any point while she was actually at Mercedes' house, because we experienced none of that. We have literally no idea what that storyline was like, and then it was just over. That is something I do carry a grudge for, even if I'm only remembering it now.

Also, since when does Mr. Schuester have his own office?

After a tone-deaf girl named Sugar Motta was denied New Directions membership last week (a plotline I didn't bother to mention in my recap), she had her father track down former Vocal Adrenaline coach Shelby Corcoran in New York and bring her back to Lima to start a second glee club at McKinley. Like any of this would ever actually happen. Shelby assures Mr. Schuester, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna poach any of your kids."
Yeah, right. I haven't a clue as to how the writers intend us to feel towards Shelby, but am I the only person who finds her to be a raging narcissist? Quinn and Puck gave their child up for adoption over a year ago, and even if they regret it now, they had completely legitimate reasons for doing so. Her decision to take a teaching position at the very high school attended by the biological parents of her adopted daughter is completely insensitive. She makes it even worse by going out of her way to track them both down and dangle the possibility of getting to be a part of Drizzle's life in their faces, but only if and when they change the things about themselves that she doesn't approve of. The worst part is how truly proud she seems of what she's doing, as if they should be so lucky to have her. I never had a strong opinion either way about Shelby when we first met her in Season One (mostly because she's never made much sense to me, yet she's weirdly entangled in like three different storylines on this show), but I'm gonna villainize her this time around. Cool?

The episode ends with Quinn dying her hair back to blonde (yet another reason to resent Shelby) and rejoining New Directions. She has a plan, though; she'll play by Shelby's rules only until she devises a plan to gain back full custody of Drizzle. She is still pink-haired in spirit. I say Shelby brought this on herself.

Coming up next week... Rachel and Mercedes face off for the lead role in the school musical, or as Puck sees it, "Screw West Side Story, this is Clash of the Titans!"

Musical Performances
"Somewhere"
Performed by Rachel & Shelby
It was pretty, but Shelby is treating Rachel with the same condescending respect as Quinn. Telling her that they can't have a mother-daughter relationship, and then forcing a mother-daughter bonding moment by crashing Rachel's rehearsal? Why can't this woman leave well enough alone? It was not the heart-warming experience they tried to convince me it was.

"I'm the Greatest Star"
Performed by Kurt
Great song, nonsensical song choice for that particular audition.

"Something's Coming"
Performed by Blaine
I think Blaine might be a dream. No, not the Katy Perry sort. I am largely unconvinced that he is an actual person. Even a fictional one.

Leftover Observations

• Finn was the best dancer in this episode, woohoo!!
• I liked that the only three musical numbers were all directly integral to the plot.
• Badass Moment of the Night: Sue catching Mr. Schuester's apple in mid-air like it was no biggie.
• Somewhat surprisingly, I think that Puck would actually make a good father.
• Those slow-motion shots of Mr. Schuester and Mike Chang dancing were awkward and in slow-motion... and therefore awkward.
• Sue tells Quinn, "You've never looked worse," which is the biggest bluff ever. She looked fantastic.

Quotes
Rachel - "Mr. Schue, I'm honored, but Barbra was 40 when she directed herself in Yentl, so it's just too soon."
Brittany - "I hate you."

Brittany - "Besides, I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bicorn."

Coach Bieste - "Isn't that a Streisand song?"
Kurt - "Yes, and I know what you're thinking, but I got written permission from the woman herself - Miss Rachel Berry."

Burt - "Dude, you're gay."
Kurt - "Excuse me?"

Highlight of the Night
Teacher - "What is the capital of Ohio?"
Brittany - "O."

Gleek of the Week - Brittany S. Pierce, for your consideration.

gLee: Season 3, Episode 1 - "The Purple Piano Project"

Recap
After months of speculation and off-camera controversy regarding which characters may or may not be graduating at the end of this year, the season premiere opens with Jacob Ben Isreal finding out for a fact which New Directions members are in which grade:

Seniors: Finn, Mike Chang, Rachel, Kurt, Santana
Juniors: Tina, Artie (Do I smell an Artina revival?)

It baffles me that the producers decided to make Kurt a senior. Chris Colfer is the youngest cast member by at least a few years, and they could have easily passed him off as a high school student for one more season. But I digress.

We also learn, courtesy of Jacob Ben Isreal, that Sam moved away over the summer after his dad was offered a job out of state. Mercedes is now dating Tinker from Friday Night Lights, and he treats her like a princess! I am so already aboard this ship. We're then treated to the first character voice-over in quite some time, brought to us by Finn, who right off the bat is crowned Season 3's first Slushie Facial recipient. Welcome back, gLeeks.

Outside of Jacob Ben Isreal's vlog, we experience Mr. Schue and Emma's cohabitation for the first time. They eat fruit and pack each other's lunches. His lunch tin is Superman, hers is Superwoman. There isn't very much physical intimacy going on though, and we're meant to realize that because Mr. Schue realizes it and they are still trying to make him the protagonist.

There are more new developments to be had within New Directions, which are all brought to point at the first glee club meeting of the school year. Rachel and Finn appear to have officially rekindled their romance, and it seems to be stronger than it was this time last year. Lauren Zizes declined to rejoin glee club this year because her "rep is in freefall," breaking Puck's heart in the process. I'm not too sure why her breakup with glee club and her breakup with Puck so obviously go hand-in-hand, but apparently they'll always have Subway. So there's that. Also, the guy who replaced Mr. Schuester in April Rhodes' musical won a Tony Award for his performance! Way to go, buddy!

Sam and Lauren Zizes aren't the only former members missing this year, as no one has heard from Quinn all summer. We hear from her though, and it's glorious. Quinn is badass now, complete with an all-black wardrobe, a nose ring, and pink hair (which I absolutely love). She's joined up with a new group of "friends" called The Skanks and now smokes cigarettes underneath the bleachers all day long. She also speaks in a weirdly lower register, which I'm going to assume is just how badasses talk. Anyway, she looks like a punk-rock princess and my fingers are crossed that she stays like this for more than one episode.

This is what having pre-marital sex does to you, children.

Mr. Schuester's Assignment of the Week, which also happens to be titled The Purple Piano Project (what a coincidence), is this: He has personally purchased and repaired three run-down pianos and painted each one a different shade of purple. Kurt and I both want one of our own. The plan is for him to place the pianos strategically around the school, and anytime a New Directions member happens across one, no matter where they are or what time it is, they are to sing a song. I think it's safe to assume that Brad the Piano Player will be seated at all three of them 24/7. The goal, as always, is to recruit new members.

Rachel and Kurt are planning to apply, be accepted to, and attend Julliard arm-in-arm next fall. Unfortunately, Emma informs them that Julliard has no dramatic arts program, and I don't buy for one second that neither of them would not have already known this. She tells them about the New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts (NYADA), a highly competitive dramatic arts college that just so happens to be hosting an upcoming mixer for potential candidates (right there in Ohio, what perfect timing!). Rachel and Kurt (Rurt?) exchange slightly devious facial expressions, and Emma seems really proud of how that meeting went.

College isn't the only thing worrying Kurt, who spent all summer pleading with Blaine to leave Dalton Academy and transfer to McKinley so that they can spend more time together. It works, too, when Blaine shows up at Kurt's locker later in the episode as a new McKinley High student. This is all much more absurd than the show wants us to realize. Who asks the person they've only been dating for a few months to transfer schools for them? So they'll have to go a few hours a day without talking... not such a huge dilemma, calm down. Besides, watching them attempt to balance their personal relationship with their professional one might have made for an interesting story arc. But Darren Criss is, as Sugar Motta would say, "a bigbig star" now, and attending McKinley will obviously allow him more screentime. I just hope Blaine's Dalton Academy tuition is refundable. Did his parents have any say in this? Does he even have parents?

Elsewhere in the school, Sue Sylvester is tired of always losing despite the odds, and has decided to DESTROY THE GLEE CLUB from a more powerful position: Congress. She is running on an anti-Arts Education platform, which would cut all funding for clubs like New Directions until every student is able to read at or above grade level. When she says it like that it sounds a bit less diabolical. To reaffirm that infact it is, she jumpstarts her campaign by taking pliers to one of the purple pianos (while wearing a purple tracksuit, nice touch), interrupting a ChangSquared original. She is commended by some geometry teacher who also resents the arts, inspiring her to debut her campaign publicly on Sue's Corner. She also sort of blackmails Santana into assisting her in destroying the remaining two horcruxes purple pianos. Scandalous stuff.

Rachel and Kurt show up to the NYADA mixer feeling pretty confident in their superiority to everyone else there until they learn that these kids have been meeting and rehearsing together since their freshman year of high school. After being floored by the subsequent musical performance, Rurt goes out to cry in the car about their dreams being extinguished because I guess there are no other schools in existance for aspiring musical theatre actors. By the end of the scene, however, they decide against giving up and assure each other that they will both make it to New York. Rachel even convinces Kurt to run for class president, which is the next best thing to having in utero credits. It's looking more and more like the rumored Rachel/Kurt spinoff series could actually happen. D'you suppose that's why they made him a senior?

The episode ends with Mr. Schuester kicking Santana out of the glee club because of her allegiance to Sue, which genuinely suprised me. Let's hope Mr. Schue continues on this promising path of not being the most maddeningly passive-aggressive character on television. Let's also hope that Santana finds her way back in, because she loves it and because I've grown quite fond of her over the past year.

Coming up next week... Idina Menzel returns to tell Quinn that she needs to change her appearance if she ever wants to have a relationship with Drizzle, but I've already decided that the pink hair is here to stay. Go find somebody else to manipulate, Shelby.

Musical Performances
"We've Got the Beat"
Performed by New Directions
Even though I've come to expect it, I was too distracted by the overuse of autotune to really enjoy this. The other students in the cafeteria, who saw the performance as reason to start a gigantic food fight, seemed to agree with me. Brittany sure was having fun twirling around in the mess, though.

"Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead!"
Performed by Rachel & Kurt
According to Wikipedia, this is the song from The Wizard of Oz, but it didn't sound familiar to me. Again, this would have been more enjoyable with less production.

"It's Not Unusual"
Performed by Blaine
Not a bad song or performance, but how did Blaine find time to organize the whole thing on his very first day at a new school? And why?

"Anything Goes/Anything You Can Do"
Performed by the NYADA hopefuls
Watching The Glee Project goes against my religion, so I'm just going to assume this Harmony girl is one of the winners? Regardless, she was very impressive and this was by far my favorite song in the episode. As a matter of fact, it's the first glee song I've actually downloaded since "Happy Days Are Here Again/Get Happy" from the fourth episode of last season.

"You Can't Stop the Beat"
Performed by New Directions
"And if they try to stop us, Seaweed, I'll call the NAACP!" ♥ I adore Hairspray something fierce, and I bet Broadway's premiere Link Larkin over there was having some serious flashbacks. Quinn staring daggers at them from the rafters was very reminiscent of the Pilot, and I highly doubt that was a coincidence.

Leftover Observations

• No mention or explanation regarding the whereabouts of Jesse St. James or Dave Karofsky.
• I did not understand the "ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest" joke.
• Rachel reminds Quinn, "We were friends once." I must have missed that episode.
• Are we all in agreement that Lauren Potter's Becky needs to be upgraded to series regular, like, yesterday?
• The whole self-diagnosed Aspberger thing already feels tired, but I think Vanessa Lengies could be fun if they gave her something better to do.
• Whatever happened to when Kurt and Mercedes were BFF? I feel like there's tension now.
• Dot Marie Jones has a really pretty eye color. I seriously hope they give my girl Bieste more to do this season than merely being Mr. Schue's confidant.
• Since when is New Directions in charge of producing the school musical?
• "I'm Gavroche, named after le fiesty French street urchin from Les Mis!"

Quotes
Santana - "Senior year is all about being the Cheerios' top ho and modeling my fierceness after my numero uno Latina, Paula Abdul.”
Jacob Ben Isreal - “Paula Abdul is an Arab.”

Emma - "Really, this is the only dating combination the glee club hasn't tried."

Sue - "Oh, I'm sorry. I just realized that song might be the national anthem of whatever country you're from."

Santana - "We joined Cheerios together, we joined glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year... We're like besties for life."

Brittany - "We used to be like the three musketeers, and now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray."

Skank #1 - "Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn."

Sue - "Unless it's a day she's being screened for Hepitisis, this gal's not positive."

Mr. Schuester - "Kids in the arts record the lowest instance of substance abuse."
Sue - "Tell that to Janis Joplin."

Sue - "How is it going with Emma? I'm sure everything in the bedroom is completely normal."

Sue - "Truce for now, Macaroni Hair. Oh, and William, just so you know, if you do anything to derail my bullet train to power, I‘ll destroy you.”

Brittany - "I have pepperoni in my bra."
Santana - "Those are your nipples."

Kurt - "Rachel, we may be hot stuff at McKinley, but outside those walls we aren't even stuff."

Brittany - "I was gonna help, but I'm a water sign, so..."

Rachel - "I strongly believe that we should secure the rights to a - shall we say - less controversial show for our school musical… West Side Story.”
Brittany - "Is that the one with the cats?"

Santana - "When I look at a person, I don’t see someone who looks a certain way, or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy."

Highlight of the Night
Finn - "I just want Blaine to know that we're not the Warblers. We aren't into the bells and whistles, or the ball-hogging."

Gleek of the Week - I'm going to take a page from Sue Sylvester and co-give it to both Santana and Becky.

Raising Hope: Season 2, Episode 1 - "Prodigy"

Recap
Now it's time to review the second season premiere of Raising Hope, also known as the only current network sitcom I follow that doesn’t air on NBC's Thursday night lineup. I'm super excited about it though, because Raising Hope is just the cutest li'l show.

The episode begins with a “previously on”-esque song performed, of course, by Hope’s babysitter Shelly. Shelly is responsible for some of last year’s most memorable televised musical moments this side of glee, and I’m glad to see that Kate Micucci is sticking around.

After the theme sequence, which I'm bummed to see in its truncated form even though it's the season premiere, we find Jimmy watching home movies from his childhood alongside the world's most adorable baby, his daughter Hope. In this particular home movie, Young Jimmy (special guest star Greyson Chance) witnesses his father Burt being nearly pecked to death by a crow, and to escape the trauma he decides to belt out a soulful rendition of Otis Reading's "Hard to Handle," accompanied by himself on the piano. Current Day Jimmy, who clearly did not know he ever possessed these skills, is flabbergasted:

Hope can't believe it, either.

Apparently, for about eight months when Jimmy was 13 years old, MawMaw and her sock puppet assistant Mr. Jingles started giving him regular piano lessons, which he quickly excelled at. Virginia was over the moon with pride until one day Jimmy was struck in the head by a flying miniature golf club, leaving him with none of his previous musical abilities.

Once this all sinks in, Jimmy shares the newly discovered footage with Sabrina, and after seeing how she swoons for his singing, he realizes that the quickest way to her heart must be through her ears. He consults a doctor about his memory loss (for the first time), and even tapes his fingers to MawMaw's while she plays in hopes that it will trigger muscle memory, but all MawMaw wants to do is use his hands to pick her own wedgies (*shudder*).
Jimmy decides that it's a hopeless cause, and eventually tells his parents that he's done trying to relearn the piano because he feels like he's making a fool of himself in front of Hope (aw). Virginia supports this decision, as she partially blames herself for Jimmy's accident, until Burt reveals that it was actually him who threw the putter that knocked his son unconscious all those years ago. Unintentionally, of course, he chucked his putter in a fit of frustration that was largly caused by his jealousy of Jimmy's talent.

Instead of reacting to this semi-shocking revelation at all, the Chance clan decide to get drunk and bond while discussing each others more ordinary talents, all set to the background of MawMaw battling Death. This leads to a rousing group sing-along of "Never Gonna Let You Go," which reveals that - gasp! - Jimmy is able to recall his lost abilities when he is under the influence of alcohol! Since Burt and Virginia are both also drunk at this point, they react like this:

Burt and Virginia bribe a local music teacher into letting Jimmy perform in an upcoming recital, to which he obviously invites Sabrina. To ensure maximum talent, he gets nice and wasted prior to the performance, supported by Burt, who gets nice and wasted right alongside him. Unfortunately, when he finally takes the stage, he performs about as well as one would expect a drunken 24-year-old with no musical ability to perform, and Sabrina leaves with the hope that he won't remember ever having seen her there. After noticing that the equally inebriated Burt is the only person in the room who doesn't seem to realize that Jimmy sounds pathetic, Virginia accepts that her son's musical skills really are gone forever; The previous night, Jimmy wasn't good because he was drunk; he was good because they all were. Together. Family time, <3

Leftover Observations

• Greyson Chance is fantastic. I want to see more of him as Young Jimmy. Go back in time again soon, plz.
• The episode ends with MawMaw agreeing to teach Hope how to play the piano. I truely hope that Hope inherited her father's gift, and that MawMaw helps her discover it.
• I almost always enjoy watching television characters getting really drunk together.
• Burt retelling his version of the past reminded me of the My Name Is Earl episode "Buried Treasure". My Name Is Burt.
• Sabrina falls more in love with Jimmy the further back in time he is.
• The girls swooning over Young Jimmy's recital performance were very reminiscent of these girls swooning over Greyson Chance's famous talent show performance.

Quotes
Mr. Jingles - "If I wanted A Flat Minor, I'd have you play with your girlfriend's chest."

Woman at miniature golf - "The sun's really shining today, isn't it?"
Virginia - "You want to see a son shining? You should see my son shine."

Virginia - "You had ambrosia."
Burt - "Anemia."
Virginia - "Anemia."

Virginia - "He could have been an international superstar like David Hasselhoff or Hello, Kitty!"

Sabrina - "I don't know what's harder to believe - that that's you or that you haven't changed your hair in ten years."

Mr. Jingles - "That's the worst "Chopsticks" I ever heard. That could make 3 billion Chinese switch to forks."

Burt - "I'm gonna go warn the manager about some early onset algae I saw."

Burt - "I'll never forget that day - September 11, 2001. The day I threw that damn putter."

Jimmy - "And not for nothing, but I am very, very proud of the fact that I am a very, very, very fast grocery bagger."

Burt - "Gravity does most of the work, but you've gotta know where to put your feet!"

Burt - "Jimmy, as my father, I want you to know that no matter how much you do or do not suck at things, I am never gonna let you go."

Virginia - "Open up the windows so the neighbors can hear. I want the neighbors with the mailbox that looks like a space shuttle to know that we've got good stuff going on over here, too."

Burt - "That sounded like a few notes of... Who's that dude with the Barbara Walters hair, and named after the movie dog?"
Jimmy - "Beethoven."

Burt - "Play "Devil Went Down to Georgia"!"

Highlight of the night:
Virginia - "Oh my god! Jimmy. How old were you when you started sneakin' beers?"
Jimmy - "I think I was thirteen!"
Burt - "GET TO THE PIANO!"

Ron Swanson For Mayor?

I found this painted in a mural on the wall of a restaurant near my house. There is no mistaking that 'stache. Or those muscles.