gLee: Season 3, Episode 1 - "The Purple Piano Project"

Recap
After months of speculation and off-camera controversy regarding which characters may or may not be graduating at the end of this year, the season premiere opens with Jacob Ben Isreal finding out for a fact which New Directions members are in which grade:

Seniors: Finn, Mike Chang, Rachel, Kurt, Santana
Juniors: Tina, Artie (Do I smell an Artina revival?)

It baffles me that the producers decided to make Kurt a senior. Chris Colfer is the youngest cast member by at least a few years, and they could have easily passed him off as a high school student for one more season. But I digress.

We also learn, courtesy of Jacob Ben Isreal, that Sam moved away over the summer after his dad was offered a job out of state. Mercedes is now dating Tinker from Friday Night Lights, and he treats her like a princess! I am so already aboard this ship. We're then treated to the first character voice-over in quite some time, brought to us by Finn, who right off the bat is crowned Season 3's first Slushie Facial recipient. Welcome back, gLeeks.

Outside of Jacob Ben Isreal's vlog, we experience Mr. Schue and Emma's cohabitation for the first time. They eat fruit and pack each other's lunches. His lunch tin is Superman, hers is Superwoman. There isn't very much physical intimacy going on though, and we're meant to realize that because Mr. Schue realizes it and they are still trying to make him the protagonist.

There are more new developments to be had within New Directions, which are all brought to point at the first glee club meeting of the school year. Rachel and Finn appear to have officially rekindled their romance, and it seems to be stronger than it was this time last year. Lauren Zizes declined to rejoin glee club this year because her "rep is in freefall," breaking Puck's heart in the process. I'm not too sure why her breakup with glee club and her breakup with Puck so obviously go hand-in-hand, but apparently they'll always have Subway. So there's that. Also, the guy who replaced Mr. Schuester in April Rhodes' musical won a Tony Award for his performance! Way to go, buddy!

Sam and Lauren Zizes aren't the only former members missing this year, as no one has heard from Quinn all summer. We hear from her though, and it's glorious. Quinn is badass now, complete with an all-black wardrobe, a nose ring, and pink hair (which I absolutely love). She's joined up with a new group of "friends" called The Skanks and now smokes cigarettes underneath the bleachers all day long. She also speaks in a weirdly lower register, which I'm going to assume is just how badasses talk. Anyway, she looks like a punk-rock princess and my fingers are crossed that she stays like this for more than one episode.

This is what having pre-marital sex does to you, children.

Mr. Schuester's Assignment of the Week, which also happens to be titled The Purple Piano Project (what a coincidence), is this: He has personally purchased and repaired three run-down pianos and painted each one a different shade of purple. Kurt and I both want one of our own. The plan is for him to place the pianos strategically around the school, and anytime a New Directions member happens across one, no matter where they are or what time it is, they are to sing a song. I think it's safe to assume that Brad the Piano Player will be seated at all three of them 24/7. The goal, as always, is to recruit new members.

Rachel and Kurt are planning to apply, be accepted to, and attend Julliard arm-in-arm next fall. Unfortunately, Emma informs them that Julliard has no dramatic arts program, and I don't buy for one second that neither of them would not have already known this. She tells them about the New York Academy of the Dramatic Arts (NYADA), a highly competitive dramatic arts college that just so happens to be hosting an upcoming mixer for potential candidates (right there in Ohio, what perfect timing!). Rachel and Kurt (Rurt?) exchange slightly devious facial expressions, and Emma seems really proud of how that meeting went.

College isn't the only thing worrying Kurt, who spent all summer pleading with Blaine to leave Dalton Academy and transfer to McKinley so that they can spend more time together. It works, too, when Blaine shows up at Kurt's locker later in the episode as a new McKinley High student. This is all much more absurd than the show wants us to realize. Who asks the person they've only been dating for a few months to transfer schools for them? So they'll have to go a few hours a day without talking... not such a huge dilemma, calm down. Besides, watching them attempt to balance their personal relationship with their professional one might have made for an interesting story arc. But Darren Criss is, as Sugar Motta would say, "a bigbig star" now, and attending McKinley will obviously allow him more screentime. I just hope Blaine's Dalton Academy tuition is refundable. Did his parents have any say in this? Does he even have parents?

Elsewhere in the school, Sue Sylvester is tired of always losing despite the odds, and has decided to DESTROY THE GLEE CLUB from a more powerful position: Congress. She is running on an anti-Arts Education platform, which would cut all funding for clubs like New Directions until every student is able to read at or above grade level. When she says it like that it sounds a bit less diabolical. To reaffirm that infact it is, she jumpstarts her campaign by taking pliers to one of the purple pianos (while wearing a purple tracksuit, nice touch), interrupting a ChangSquared original. She is commended by some geometry teacher who also resents the arts, inspiring her to debut her campaign publicly on Sue's Corner. She also sort of blackmails Santana into assisting her in destroying the remaining two horcruxes purple pianos. Scandalous stuff.

Rachel and Kurt show up to the NYADA mixer feeling pretty confident in their superiority to everyone else there until they learn that these kids have been meeting and rehearsing together since their freshman year of high school. After being floored by the subsequent musical performance, Rurt goes out to cry in the car about their dreams being extinguished because I guess there are no other schools in existance for aspiring musical theatre actors. By the end of the scene, however, they decide against giving up and assure each other that they will both make it to New York. Rachel even convinces Kurt to run for class president, which is the next best thing to having in utero credits. It's looking more and more like the rumored Rachel/Kurt spinoff series could actually happen. D'you suppose that's why they made him a senior?

The episode ends with Mr. Schuester kicking Santana out of the glee club because of her allegiance to Sue, which genuinely suprised me. Let's hope Mr. Schue continues on this promising path of not being the most maddeningly passive-aggressive character on television. Let's also hope that Santana finds her way back in, because she loves it and because I've grown quite fond of her over the past year.

Coming up next week... Idina Menzel returns to tell Quinn that she needs to change her appearance if she ever wants to have a relationship with Drizzle, but I've already decided that the pink hair is here to stay. Go find somebody else to manipulate, Shelby.

Musical Performances
"We've Got the Beat"
Performed by New Directions
Even though I've come to expect it, I was too distracted by the overuse of autotune to really enjoy this. The other students in the cafeteria, who saw the performance as reason to start a gigantic food fight, seemed to agree with me. Brittany sure was having fun twirling around in the mess, though.

"Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead!"
Performed by Rachel & Kurt
According to Wikipedia, this is the song from The Wizard of Oz, but it didn't sound familiar to me. Again, this would have been more enjoyable with less production.

"It's Not Unusual"
Performed by Blaine
Not a bad song or performance, but how did Blaine find time to organize the whole thing on his very first day at a new school? And why?

"Anything Goes/Anything You Can Do"
Performed by the NYADA hopefuls
Watching The Glee Project goes against my religion, so I'm just going to assume this Harmony girl is one of the winners? Regardless, she was very impressive and this was by far my favorite song in the episode. As a matter of fact, it's the first glee song I've actually downloaded since "Happy Days Are Here Again/Get Happy" from the fourth episode of last season.

"You Can't Stop the Beat"
Performed by New Directions
"And if they try to stop us, Seaweed, I'll call the NAACP!" ♥ I adore Hairspray something fierce, and I bet Broadway's premiere Link Larkin over there was having some serious flashbacks. Quinn staring daggers at them from the rafters was very reminiscent of the Pilot, and I highly doubt that was a coincidence.

Leftover Observations

• No mention or explanation regarding the whereabouts of Jesse St. James or Dave Karofsky.
• I did not understand the "ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest" joke.
• Rachel reminds Quinn, "We were friends once." I must have missed that episode.
• Are we all in agreement that Lauren Potter's Becky needs to be upgraded to series regular, like, yesterday?
• The whole self-diagnosed Aspberger thing already feels tired, but I think Vanessa Lengies could be fun if they gave her something better to do.
• Whatever happened to when Kurt and Mercedes were BFF? I feel like there's tension now.
• Dot Marie Jones has a really pretty eye color. I seriously hope they give my girl Bieste more to do this season than merely being Mr. Schue's confidant.
• Since when is New Directions in charge of producing the school musical?
• "I'm Gavroche, named after le fiesty French street urchin from Les Mis!"

Quotes
Santana - "Senior year is all about being the Cheerios' top ho and modeling my fierceness after my numero uno Latina, Paula Abdul.”
Jacob Ben Isreal - “Paula Abdul is an Arab.”

Emma - "Really, this is the only dating combination the glee club hasn't tried."

Sue - "Oh, I'm sorry. I just realized that song might be the national anthem of whatever country you're from."

Santana - "We joined Cheerios together, we joined glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year... We're like besties for life."

Brittany - "We used to be like the three musketeers, and now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray."

Skank #1 - "Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn."

Sue - "Unless it's a day she's being screened for Hepitisis, this gal's not positive."

Mr. Schuester - "Kids in the arts record the lowest instance of substance abuse."
Sue - "Tell that to Janis Joplin."

Sue - "How is it going with Emma? I'm sure everything in the bedroom is completely normal."

Sue - "Truce for now, Macaroni Hair. Oh, and William, just so you know, if you do anything to derail my bullet train to power, I‘ll destroy you.”

Brittany - "I have pepperoni in my bra."
Santana - "Those are your nipples."

Kurt - "Rachel, we may be hot stuff at McKinley, but outside those walls we aren't even stuff."

Brittany - "I was gonna help, but I'm a water sign, so..."

Rachel - "I strongly believe that we should secure the rights to a - shall we say - less controversial show for our school musical… West Side Story.”
Brittany - "Is that the one with the cats?"

Santana - "When I look at a person, I don’t see someone who looks a certain way, or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy."

Highlight of the Night
Finn - "I just want Blaine to know that we're not the Warblers. We aren't into the bells and whistles, or the ball-hogging."

Gleek of the Week - I'm going to take a page from Sue Sylvester and co-give it to both Santana and Becky.

Raising Hope: Season 2, Episode 1 - "Prodigy"

Recap
Now it's time to review the second season premiere of Raising Hope, also known as the only current network sitcom I follow that doesn’t air on NBC's Thursday night lineup. I'm super excited about it though, because Raising Hope is just the cutest li'l show.

The episode begins with a “previously on”-esque song performed, of course, by Hope’s babysitter Shelly. Shelly is responsible for some of last year’s most memorable televised musical moments this side of glee, and I’m glad to see that Kate Micucci is sticking around.

After the theme sequence, which I'm bummed to see in its truncated form even though it's the season premiere, we find Jimmy watching home movies from his childhood alongside the world's most adorable baby, his daughter Hope. In this particular home movie, Young Jimmy (special guest star Greyson Chance) witnesses his father Burt being nearly pecked to death by a crow, and to escape the trauma he decides to belt out a soulful rendition of Otis Reading's "Hard to Handle," accompanied by himself on the piano. Current Day Jimmy, who clearly did not know he ever possessed these skills, is flabbergasted:

Hope can't believe it, either.

Apparently, for about eight months when Jimmy was 13 years old, MawMaw and her sock puppet assistant Mr. Jingles started giving him regular piano lessons, which he quickly excelled at. Virginia was over the moon with pride until one day Jimmy was struck in the head by a flying miniature golf club, leaving him with none of his previous musical abilities.

Once this all sinks in, Jimmy shares the newly discovered footage with Sabrina, and after seeing how she swoons for his singing, he realizes that the quickest way to her heart must be through her ears. He consults a doctor about his memory loss (for the first time), and even tapes his fingers to MawMaw's while she plays in hopes that it will trigger muscle memory, but all MawMaw wants to do is use his hands to pick her own wedgies (*shudder*).
Jimmy decides that it's a hopeless cause, and eventually tells his parents that he's done trying to relearn the piano because he feels like he's making a fool of himself in front of Hope (aw). Virginia supports this decision, as she partially blames herself for Jimmy's accident, until Burt reveals that it was actually him who threw the putter that knocked his son unconscious all those years ago. Unintentionally, of course, he chucked his putter in a fit of frustration that was largly caused by his jealousy of Jimmy's talent.

Instead of reacting to this semi-shocking revelation at all, the Chance clan decide to get drunk and bond while discussing each others more ordinary talents, all set to the background of MawMaw battling Death. This leads to a rousing group sing-along of "Never Gonna Let You Go," which reveals that - gasp! - Jimmy is able to recall his lost abilities when he is under the influence of alcohol! Since Burt and Virginia are both also drunk at this point, they react like this:

Burt and Virginia bribe a local music teacher into letting Jimmy perform in an upcoming recital, to which he obviously invites Sabrina. To ensure maximum talent, he gets nice and wasted prior to the performance, supported by Burt, who gets nice and wasted right alongside him. Unfortunately, when he finally takes the stage, he performs about as well as one would expect a drunken 24-year-old with no musical ability to perform, and Sabrina leaves with the hope that he won't remember ever having seen her there. After noticing that the equally inebriated Burt is the only person in the room who doesn't seem to realize that Jimmy sounds pathetic, Virginia accepts that her son's musical skills really are gone forever; The previous night, Jimmy wasn't good because he was drunk; he was good because they all were. Together. Family time, <3

Leftover Observations

• Greyson Chance is fantastic. I want to see more of him as Young Jimmy. Go back in time again soon, plz.
• The episode ends with MawMaw agreeing to teach Hope how to play the piano. I truely hope that Hope inherited her father's gift, and that MawMaw helps her discover it.
• I almost always enjoy watching television characters getting really drunk together.
• Burt retelling his version of the past reminded me of the My Name Is Earl episode "Buried Treasure". My Name Is Burt.
• Sabrina falls more in love with Jimmy the further back in time he is.
• The girls swooning over Young Jimmy's recital performance were very reminiscent of these girls swooning over Greyson Chance's famous talent show performance.

Quotes
Mr. Jingles - "If I wanted A Flat Minor, I'd have you play with your girlfriend's chest."

Woman at miniature golf - "The sun's really shining today, isn't it?"
Virginia - "You want to see a son shining? You should see my son shine."

Virginia - "You had ambrosia."
Burt - "Anemia."
Virginia - "Anemia."

Virginia - "He could have been an international superstar like David Hasselhoff or Hello, Kitty!"

Sabrina - "I don't know what's harder to believe - that that's you or that you haven't changed your hair in ten years."

Mr. Jingles - "That's the worst "Chopsticks" I ever heard. That could make 3 billion Chinese switch to forks."

Burt - "I'm gonna go warn the manager about some early onset algae I saw."

Burt - "I'll never forget that day - September 11, 2001. The day I threw that damn putter."

Jimmy - "And not for nothing, but I am very, very proud of the fact that I am a very, very, very fast grocery bagger."

Burt - "Gravity does most of the work, but you've gotta know where to put your feet!"

Burt - "Jimmy, as my father, I want you to know that no matter how much you do or do not suck at things, I am never gonna let you go."

Virginia - "Open up the windows so the neighbors can hear. I want the neighbors with the mailbox that looks like a space shuttle to know that we've got good stuff going on over here, too."

Burt - "That sounded like a few notes of... Who's that dude with the Barbara Walters hair, and named after the movie dog?"
Jimmy - "Beethoven."

Burt - "Play "Devil Went Down to Georgia"!"

Highlight of the night:
Virginia - "Oh my god! Jimmy. How old were you when you started sneakin' beers?"
Jimmy - "I think I was thirteen!"
Burt - "GET TO THE PIANO!"

Ron Swanson For Mayor?

I found this painted in a mural on the wall of a restaurant near my house. There is no mistaking that 'stache. Or those muscles.